KABUL—Russian spy chief Sergei Naryshkin arrived to apologize for the Soviet invasion, explaining that Moscow had discovered it was an American operation conducted entirely with Soviet troops.
“Washington lured us into Afghanistan,” he said. “Our tanks were victims of an American conspiracy involving maps, fuel and our decision to cross the border.”
Naryshkin announced that Vladimir Putin had converted to Islam and sought Hibatullah Akhundzada’s blessing, provided Moscow retained veto power over the caliphate and all photographs avoided windows.
In return, Putin requested several yellow bushkas and a temporary lease on suicide bombers for Ukraine. “They will be returned after completing their mission,” Naryshkin assured Kabul. Taliban officials asked whether Russia understood the product.
Hibatullah approved the deal and ordered production restarted at Akora Khattak under Pakistani military supervision. Rawalpindi offered quality control, deniability and the invoice to Washington.
Moscow hailed the arrangement as a historic alliance against Western imperialism. Taliban officials asked whether Putin’s conversion included renouncing vodka. Naryshkin said religious matters would be settled after Ukraine.
The Kremlin called it a new era of Afghan sovereignty: Russia would supply the war, Pakistan the fighters, America the blame and Afghanistan the graves.
After forty years, Moscow had finally learned its lesson.
This time, it would let Afghans invade on its behalf.