ASHBURN, VA — General Khoshal Sadat has applied for retroactive jihad credit after declaring the Taliban’s war against the government he once defended “sacrosanct and holy.”
At the Diva Patang School of Diplomacy, admissions officers struggled to determine whether fighting a holy war from the wrong side qualified as military service or an expensive theological misunderstanding.
“The Republic gave me rank, soldiers, and a salary,” Sadat explained. “The Taliban gave me something greater: discovering my enemies were right after they won.”
The school awarded him a master’s in Retrospective Patriotism, waiving its requirement that convictions precede their announcement.
Taliban officials asked whether his fallen soldiers had died fighting God’s preferred outcome. Sadat clarified that their sacrifices were honorable, although apparently religiously misdirected.
Graduation was interrupted when General Sami Sadat called from London, asking whether fighting the Taliban still counted as patriotism or whether he, too, needed to update his theology.
Kandahar welcomed both Sadats: Khoshal wants to join the Taliban he once fought; Sami wants to fight the Taliban he refuses to join.
Officials celebrated Afghanistan’s first two-party system: one Sadat wants credit for yesterday’s jihad; the other is recruiting for tomorrow’s defeat.
The school rejected Khoshal’s jihad application, noting that fighting against a holy war does not qualify as participation, even with perfect attendance.