Former vice president Amrullah Saleh announced that Afghanistan had entered a civil war, causing Afghans to examine their calendars for the peaceful period they had apparently failed to enjoy.
Zabihullah Mujahid rejected Saleh’s claim, saying Afghanistan had enjoyed peace since 2021. He cited a sharp decline in attacks on government buildings, though another official acknowledged the comparison became complicated once everyone who used to attack the buildings moved inside them.
Lina Rozbih greeted the news with a jubilant “Hawk Tuah!” before calling it “a triumph for the return of male feminism.” Mahmoud Saikal welcomed the announcement by reciting Rumi at the UN General Assembly. The Taliban requested an immediate ceasefire, conditional on him stopping.
Former officials called Saleh’s announcement a turning point and urged Afghans to decide their own future. They then prayed that Trump would decide it first. Hanif Atmar offered to lead a government of national unity, provided Washington supplied the government and he could keep the unity.
Veteran warlords offered to send their sons to the front. The offer was withdrawn after the sons inquired whether they'd wear tuxedos or chapan, and asked for a GPS pin, a business-class ticket, and confirmation that the front had Wi-Fi.
With recruitment stalling, Saleh reportedly called retired Pakistani generals to ask whether they still offered home delivery.