KABUL—Tolo News has begun issuing receipts to regime guests after repeated confusion over how much favorable coverage is included with hospitality and how much additional praise is required to keep the newsroom open.
Under the new policy, green tea entitles a visitor to “a senior figure familiar with the matter.” Biscuits add one photograph in which the guest appears to be listening. A full qabuli lunch permits editors to replace “corruption” with “administrative misunderstanding,” provided the raisins are generous. Any official carrying a government seal receives a complimentary chyron reading “respected authority,” plus three minutes for explaining why the latest restriction is actually public service.
The system was introduced after a provincial official complained that his interview mentioned both sides despite his office having served kebab. “We did not invite journalists to discover things,” his spokesman said. “We invited them to remember who paid.”
The newsroom apologized, praised the regime’s commitment to correcting journalism, and promised that future investigations would arrive already grateful, properly deferential and pre-cleared by whoever might otherwise close the station.