KABUL—Gulbuddin Hekmatyar has begun polishing his beard after Pakistan’s escalating dispute with the Taliban convinced him Islamabad may again require an Afghan partner with extensive experience disappointing everyone.
“Pakistan chose a younger movement, but now discovers youth does not answer the phone,” Hekmatyar said. “Our romance was never over. They simply married the Taliban for strategic depth.”
His son Habiburrahman confirmed the family had reopened its old wardrobe of plausible deniability. “Father is ready to serve peace in whatever capacity most resembles his glory days,” he said.
Grandson Obaidullah Baheer urged restraint. “Every family has an elder who interprets regional instability as a reunion invitation,” he said. “We have hidden his rocket maps, and with the advent of AI, we can now chat directly with rockets about which women and children to target.”
Maulana Fazlur Rehman welcomed renewed dialogue, saying Pakistan should consult “all Afghan stakeholders, especially those with the highest body count.”
ISPR spokesperson Lieutenant General Ahmed Sharif Chaudhry denied contacting Hekmatyar. “Pakistan does not recycle proxies,” he said. “We conduct periodic strategic sustainability assessments of previously owned assets, but they’re independent contractors, so we do not control their daily activities.”
By evening, Hekmatyar had prepared a victory speech, three demands, and a new target list of Kabul’s gentrified avenues.